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I always wondered to myself what a dream actually was; some say it is what the subconcious desires, others say it is just synapses flaring too much neurotransmitters and just happens.

I always thought dreams were premonitions... Gods way of showing you where you could be. For instance; let's say you chose the wrong path you did drugs or what not, he would show you all the fabulous things you could have had if you didnt choose that path and if you did choose the "right" path, he would show you where you would end up if you lost your way.

I always thought this because in every dream of mine it starts off as a fairy tale then ends in tragedy. I die in all my dreams. I think I know everyway a person can die and in my dreams I have died a trillion deaths. I could probably do the math and figure out how many times I have actually died. Ever since I was 15 years old I have had the same dream. It would start out the same and it would end the same. All the details are the same. Honestly, it feels so real. I wouldn't even know how to describe what I was actually feeling. In the end I always wake up as soon as I see the light.

I could tell you the dream but that is going to be of any help. I could tell you who was in it but I'm not going to cause even for me it is strange and awkward at the same time. Every night right before my alarm goes off.. is when the car hits the telephone pole. I'm never driving, I am always asleep in the passenger seat and as we hit the telephone pole I go flying out of the car and smash my head against the pavement. The person that was driving is alive, suffers a couple broken bones but in the end looses the one person that matter everything.

I wish I knew what a dream was; whether they hold a hidden meaning, predict the future, send out a warning, or is just somehing that chemically happens within the brain.

When I was in high school I used to blame my sleepin pill addiction thing to my dreams. The fact that I honestly didn't want to dream. I didn't want that dream to keep repeating, I didn't want to relive it every night. The person driving the car never changes. No detail changes. I could tell you exactly what telephone pole that is hit and what kind of car I was in.

It's at the same time sad and scary. What if, this could happen? I could run what if's in my head for as long as I live. I know dreams aren't reality and I know they can't predict anything. They are just there. It's just so fucking weird.


Some way or another I thought I had changed, or that I had lost my way. Now I am right back where I started about let's say 15 years ago, alone!

I did change, I got manipulative and distant and with that I pushed everyone away in my life. But somehow I have nothing, yet again.

Is this gods punishment? I have learned from a lifetime of mistakes. I am beyond sympathetic for all the pain and suffering I have caused. I wish for everything to disappear for everything to go back the way it was 3 years ago.

I miss and love everything you were and still are. I miss us and the ways things used to be. I wish with all of my heart that things could be like they were and I know that could never happen, but a girl can wish and hope for a fairy tale, right?

I have and always will.. love you </3

Some people wonder how I do it, how I manage to get over it? I just do, here is my escape. I write, I put all my emotions, all my thoughts down on a piece of paper. Some people say it is better to talk, well why talk to someone who is not going to get it who isn't going to understand what your going through. The worst part is confiding in the person that is on your mind, the one who put you in this situation. It makes getting over it so much harder, but not anymore. I just act like nothing really happened anymore. I just manage to move on from day to day.

I was just surfing the internet while I was at work and came across some good quotes. Nothing that I am willing to share but they brought me back to reality and gave me exactly what I needed. There are somethings that are going to hurt you, some that are going to snap you back to reality and others that are going to make you go back to the beginning.

My escape is usually music but that has been temporarilt suspended. For the most part because I can't manage to listen to a song that doesn't remind me; of how it was and how it is going to be without you. I can handle it better than I could when you left and I admit there isn't a time when I don't think about you. I've moved on. I'm not saying that I don't care about you cause I do. I'm not saying that things are over because they never will be. I am simply saying that I hope life gives you everything you have ever wanted, I hope you are happy, and if you are I'm glad but for the most part I'm not going to care as much as I would have.

I will always love you, there is nothing in the world that would ever stop that. God himself could not stop me from that. For right now, I'm doing my own thing. No, I'm not looking for another person to replace you cause I know that is probably never going to happen. No one could ever take your place. But at the same time, I refuse to live my life wondering if you are ever going to come back to me. If you do, great I might be here and I might not. I'll never stop thinking about you.

Life is a game; Life is a joke; Life is a stage. All those life saying are true for the most part. You can either conform to the understanding that you can be like a sheep and follow the herd or you can stray from the pack and live your life according to how you see fit. That's what I do, I always use to hate that fact that people would try to change me and bring me back to the pack. I'm very much a free-spirit. I like things my way, that is and always will be how I am. I'm me and I happen to like it that way and plus I'm the only one stupid enough to do the job.

I could never explain myself to someone for the mere fact that I honestly don't really know who I am. I do to some certain extent. For the most part I am a mystery to myself and to others. Sometimes that is a blessing and others it is a shocker. People do not like mysteries, and I think that is how you were, you couldn't understand who I was because everyday I was someone different.

Some people would describe me as a lose cannon and that is fine. I have never really been one to care about what people think. To a certain point yeah I might give a shit now and then but honestly people don't matter to me and I think that is how I manage to move on so quickly. I don't let things bother me for too long. I gove myself a grieving period of about one week, learn from it, and I live with it and like that I walk away with my head held high, wiping the tears from my eyes with a smile on my face.

I love you. I have since the first day we met at the mall and I will until the day I am six feet in the ground. I will always remember the good times we have shared. I know your always and forever going to blame me for this. That I pushed you away. That I was a bitch and was always making you feel crappy. That's fine, honestly I don't care, do as you please. I'm over it. </3

im sorry for...

I'm sorry I'm from Boston and have a really shitty attitude.
I'm sorry I'm an asshole and don't think before I talk.

I'm sorry that I pushed you away was never my intention.

I'm sorry I called you names its just part of my nature.

I'm sorry I'm still in school and on a different page in the book.

I'm sorry you don't understand me but when I figure me out ill let you in on the secrets.

I'm sorry I'm a jealous person I can't help it if I'm madly in love with you and want no other to be either.

I'm sorry for everything.

But most of all.. I'm sorry for all the pain that I have caused you. I never meant to do any of it.

But I'm not sorry for who I am
I'm a city girl whose out of control and just needs someone to calm me down. I have changed in the 3 years but I think you were so caught up in my mistakes you failed to notice that.

I'm competitive. I want to be the best. Sometimes that's why I called you names to drag you down. Not even thinking about how it affected you. And I'm truly sorry for that.

But honestly it doesn't matter if I explained all my flaws. Your happy as you are and I'm fine with that.

But know that I am sorry! <3


You always used to tell me you would fight for me. Then how come your not now. I was the one who said I won't fight, that I would just stand back and let you go. So why the sudden change in events? Is it because you don't care anymore? If it is just let me know instead of just ignoring me.
The day that you became friends with Alyssa is the day that I came up with the conclusion that you no longer care for me. I have determined this based on the facts you said we would always talk and we don't. You said you would never lie to me but in the end you have. Seems like its been nothing but lies.
I'm sorry but since we broke up I have been doing everything. Trying to keep "us" alive and getting nothing in return.
If it is how I think it is going to end then this is the last thing I will ever write for you. And this will be the last Good-bye. I don't know why you did this but you have. Its not me this time, this is all you. Good-bye Michael.
But if I'm wrong and I hope I am then try giving me more back. Its not a one way street it has to work both ways.

Cause i need you..

I can't think of anything I want more than to be with you. To have you hold me in your arms and tell me how much you love me. It's not that I can't live without you cause believe me I can I just don't want to. I like knowing that I have someone who cares for me. Who always thinks about me.
I can't stop thinking about us and how we are now. It hurts so much to know you are no longer mine to hold, kiss, or love. No one to hold when I can't sleep or no one fpor me to rub their back. I really need you here with me. I hope you still feel as I do for you. I love you and like I sais before I always have and always will.

Welcome to a day in the life..

Who ever dreamt that something like this could be so painful? It was mutual, however it still took a chunk out of a weak heart.I'm never going to blame anyone but myself for this cause I to had a say in what happened. Never in my wildest dreams could I remember what this actually felt like. It almost feels like its over and that it ended when in reality it is just the end of one chapter and the beginning to another. There is no turning back these days, there's only walking forward. To hold your head up and live life one day at a time. Though it seems impossible its just how it has to happen.

Message in a Bottle

To anyone whom has ever loved someone the way that I love him.
Love, passion, and romance is something that everyone wishes for in a relationship. To love and be loved in return. To always and forever have someone who wants to be with you day and night and night and day.
Seems that sometimes movies portray love the way every girl imagines it. The guy always comes after the girl, he's always charming and romantic. But that's not really how it is, or is it but we expect so much that it doesn't seem special.
Maybe it is just me maybe I have watched one to many Kevin Costner movies and read one to many Nicholas Sparks' novels. To understand and acknowledge that what I have is better than what hollywood makes it appear. That I really truly have someone that cares for me and is passionate about us and our love. Who cares about me enough to displace his own emotions and care for mine. Who cares about us so much to give it a second and third try.
I have found what everyone hopes to find. I have found something real and passionate. Someone who loves me more than anything. I have found true love.


So this might have nothing to do with anything right now but you will understand after I explain a couple of things. My Uncle Bill is dying he's on his death bed and his last wish was to see all his brothers and sisters. We all knew this was going to happen, nothing new. He was the biggest druggie ever. Seriously you name it and he did it, kind of sad. Anyways, Bryan is Uncle Bill of this generation. He is up to his head in shit and sad thing is he thinks nothing is wrong. He's fucking people over with money, stealing money. I'm almost 22 years old and I know all his tricks. I have seen this and dealt with this kind of shit for far too long. If I have to deal with a child that makes me go through this out the door. 

This isn't something someone should go through. I told my brother right to his face he is another Uncle Bill, which in my family is an insult and a half, and he's not even 60 maybe late 50's and already dying. This is what Bryan is setting himself up for. A road of colon failure and kidney failure, roaming from hospital to hospital, being paralyzed, what a great life. Sad thing is he doesn't care. So neither do I. I know one thing if my kids, if I have them, act like this they are out of my life and I will not look back. If my brother dies he dies but I will not be there, I will not go to his funeral, I will act like he was not even family that I in fact had no brothers. 

You can only do so much for people. I have done all I could, and have taken all I can take. I'm 22 years old. This is my limit. I have been there and done that. Never again will I do another thing for that asshole. He is dead to me. I will never act like he is my brother. I disown him. He is not family to me. He is dead for all I care. 

The only way a druggie can get better is if they want help. If they do not want help or don't think anything is wrong and the life they are living is ok then that's all you can do, is let them live their life. All you can do is just sit there and watch as they go downhill. As they dig themselves a grave. Soon my brother will bury himself in that grave I am just waiting for that day to come. Sorry to say it but I don't care. That's just the way it is, things will never change. I just wish he would to save himself. He is still young he can still start over. Just sad that he doesn't want to or think he needs to. 

Well I say late 50's my older brother will be six feet under ground. By himself.



I feel like everytime I turn my head something bad comes around. It seems like lately everything has been going way down hill and sad to say it really is. First it was a bad week just couldn't handle it. This time it's not me, it's the family. My dad was told today that he and everyone else at the Evertt terminal is going to be laid off. Wicked great. Who knows how long he has at Mobil. Now all I hear is about down sizing and even the idea of moving down South. I'm so fed up with everything. Life sucks right about now.